Last updated: September 3, 2010 3:09 pm

Hello, my name is . . .

Meet the characters gracing your classroom this fall

For more stories from this school visit The Fulcrum.

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OTTAWA (CUP) — Meet your fellow classmates. You sit next to them everyday, attempt to copy off them during exams and, sometimes, even befriend a couple of them. But, for the most part, you spend your lecture looking around wondering what the hell is the deal with these people. Here’s are some of the kids you can expect to see in each course, every semester, until you graduate.

The teacher’s pet

Just like in elementary school, each university class has a teacher’s pet. You’ll see her walking your professor to class, talking to him or her at break and hanging back after the lecture finishes so she can rattle off more useless facts meant to impress your professor.

Best known for: Monopolizing the professor’s time. You’ll hate her because: The hour-long wait outside your professor’s office every time she’s in there, which is all the time.

The ridiculously over-dressed kids

For these students, being in class is like being at a job. And with their blouses and blazers, they dress like they work on Wall Street.

Best known for: Pencil skirts, stilettos, silk ties and Italian leather laptop bags. You’ll hate them because: They will make you feel so homely you’ll feel compelled to trade in your oh-so-comfortable sweats for something from Banana Republic.

The tardy kid

As if he can’t figure out how to set his alarm clock 15 minutes earlier, the tardy kid shows up for class late every day. After loudly shutting the classroom door, noisily making his way to the back of class, selecting the creakiest chair and opening his notebook, he’s finally ready to go back to sleep.

Best known for: Complete obliviousness. You’ll hate him because: He always looks well-rested.

The daydreamer

Spending most of the lecture doodling in her notebook or looking outside the window, the daydreamer always comes to class and never learns a thing. The only time she acknowledges her surroundings is when the professor attacks her with a surprise question. Professors can pick out these kids like a bro can spot a kegger filled with drunken girls.

Best known for: That glazed-over, stoned look in her eyes. You’ll hate her because: While you’re trying to understand Marx’s Circuit of Capital, you just know she’s writing a Pulitzer Prize-winning book.

The hand raiser

Remember when Socrates kept asking questions and then was sentenced to death — more or less? Apparently the hand raiser skipped that class. On average, he will ask the professor one question per 10 minutes, and only one question per lecture has anything to do with the topic at hand.

Best known for: His freakishly fast arm-raising abilities. You’ll hate him because: Your professor can’t get through a lecture with this kid in class. You may also love him for this reason.

The serial texter

Seconds into your lecture, she whips out her BlackBerry and begins texting. You have a hunch most of these texts are unnecessary — “Hey girl, are we still getting shithammered at Tila later?”

Best known for: The time she forgot to put her phone on silent during the midterm and the final exam. You’ll hate her because: The sound of a vibrating phone on a hard surface every 30 seconds makes nails on a chalkboard sound like Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.

The popular kid

It seems as though this student is best friends with everyone in your class. He even plays a weekly squash game with the awkward daydreamer.

Best known for: That confidant, drawn out walk to his chair, stopping to shake hands and exchange greetings with every student. You’ll hate him because: You’re the only person he doesn’t seem to know.

The gossip girls

Unaware the couches in the campus coffee shop are more comfortable and conducive to conversation, these girls come to the lectures just to fill each other in on what’s happened since last class. But don’t you dare turn around and give them the I’m-a-serious-student-and-you’re-driving-me-crazy stare or you’ll become the next topic of conversation.

Best known for: Not-so-quiet whispering and giggling. Oh, the giggling. You’ll hate them because: Did I mention they giggle?

The I’ve-got-better-things-to-do kid

This student feels the need to leave class 10-15 minutes early. You will spend every class wondering if this guy is a secret government agent always running off to impromptu government meetings. Sweet job or not, each class he will noisily pack up his books, give the professor a nod and strut out the door.

Best known for: All the jokes the professor cracks at his expense after he leaves. You’ll hate him because: You wish you had the balls to leave class early, too.

The class couple

You actually get to watch their romance unfold: One day they’re sitting on opposite sides of the classroom, a week later they’re sitting beside each other and the next day they’re holding hands before, after and during lectures. How adorably revolting.

Best known for: Completely inappropriate displays of affection. You’ll hate them because: How are you supposed to solve the prisoner’s dilemma when the class couple is going to second base beside you? That, and you’re totally jealous you aren’t getting rubbed down every class.

The smart ass

This student divides her time between correcting the professor and engaging in a dialogue with the professor on an advanced topic no one else understands, or cares about. She believes she should be teaching the course, and launches a mini coup every class.

Best known for: Starting sentences with, “Well, last night when I was reading [insert book not on the syllabus that your professor hasn’t even read]…” You’ll hate her because: She makes you feel stupid. Then again, she reminds you what your life would be like if you stayed up until 5:00 a.m. reading the Economist every night.

The Internet junkie

These kids — there are at least 20 in every course — always come to class with a laptop in hand. They’ll open a word document, name it “Lecture 10,” and then embark on an 80-minute journey through the World Wide Web. Three thousand Facebook pictures, 15 blogs, 13 tweets, nine MSN conversations, four visits to BBC News and an episode of Mad Men later, class is over and Lecture 10 appears to be about an “essay due next week.”

Best known for: Their ridiculous multi-tasking skills. You’ll hate them because: You’ll wish you brought your laptop to class.

The eye candy

Genetically blessed with a smoking body and face made for Vogue, it’s hard to understand why these students bother coming to class when they could be gracing the runways in Paris or Milan. Either way, they make 8:30 a.m. classes worth waking up for.

Best known for: Their sweet asses. You’ll hate them because: They will never sleep with you.

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