BURNABY, B.C. (CUP) — There’s no better way to prepare for Division II athletic competition than taking advice from someone who played high school basketball until 10th grade. It’s a proven fact, don’t you dare try and dispute me, because I swear I will finish you if you undercut me on this one.

So, whether you are a basketball player, a soccer player, a ping-pong player, or simply a fan, pay attention and the NCAA will bow to its glory.

1. Get assimilated into American culture

Competing in the NCAA means your team will be hopping around the United States of America. In order to be able to compete with them, you must become like them. Therefore, it’s essential that everyone on your sports teams buys a handgun, becomes somewhat overweight, and a third vaguely offensive American stereotype.

2. Know your geography

Your American adversaries will have no knowledge of the geography of our country. In order to get a leg up on the competition, you must learn everything about your opponents’ towns. If you go to Billings, Mont. to face the Yellowjackets of Montana State University, and don’t know that Billings was named for Frederick H. Billings, the president of the Northern Pacific Railroad from 1879 to 1881, it will be impossible for you to compete. Impossible.

3. Run the triangle offence

It’s the offence Tex Winter designed that helped the Chicago Bulls win six NBA titles in eight years, and you should use it as well. This goes for everyone, not just the basketball team. I fully expect swimmers to use the triangle in some manner. At the very least, bring a basketball and throw it at other swimmers.

4. Attack the weak

You're the new guys now, and if movies about high school are any indication, people tend to pick on the new guy. Let’s be honest, have high school movies ever misrepresented reality? To combat this, you must find the weakest link and pounce. The Crusaders of Northwest Nazarene University seem to suck at a lot of sports. Apparently this group of Christian Crusaders haven’t been as successful as their 12th century counterparts, so they would make a great rival school.

5. Keep training and stay healthy

Sure, the United States brings new challenges, but keep on keepin’ on. I suggest all your athletes hit the gymnasium and toss around the medicine ball, stay healthy with some sarsaparilla, and whatever else you athletes do these days. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.